


A former Jedi and a pilot walk into a bar...

by ImaSleepyBear



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: Knights of the Old Republic II: The Sith Lords
Genre: Angst, Canon Dialogue, F/M, Pre-Relationship, Spoilers, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Romantic Tension, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Unresolved Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-05-01 00:13:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14508264
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImaSleepyBear/pseuds/ImaSleepyBear
Summary: Atton tells the Exile about his past.It's hard to create an emotional scene when the characters are programmed to just stand around and flail their arms. I tried to rewrite Atton's big reveal so it feels more cinematic.





	A former Jedi and a pilot walk into a bar...

**Author's Note:**

> Looking at this again several months later, I'm a little embarrassed by it. I did more telling than showing, and I spent way too much time dwelling on Desi's inner monologue. This story should be one or two thousand words shorter. However, I'm not going to change it. I'd rather leave it so I can look back and see how much my writing has improved. Regardless of this story's problems, I hope you enjoy it.

Desi leaned against the rail and looked out at Nar Shaddaa’s cityscape. They were wasting their time. Even though they spent the entire day exploring the refugee sector, they found no sign of Zez-Kai Ell. You would think a Jedi master with a funny name would stand out more.

“Are you alright?”

Desi looked over her shoulder and saw Bao-Dur reaching out to her. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just trying to figure out what to do next.”

“I told you this was a good place to get lost,” Atton piped up. He stood a good distance behind Bao-Dur, slouching with his hands in his pockets. “Looks like that’s why your fellow Jedi came here.”

“I keep telling you, I’m not a Jedi anymore,” Desi muttered. She turned around to face her teammates. “If he really is trying to hide on a moon with a population in the billions, then searching for him won’t do any good. We need to make him come to us.”

Bao-Dur smiled a little. It was good to see him smile. He didn’t do it often. “So we’re going to make some noise? Cause some trouble?”

Desi smiled back. “You know that’s my greatest talent.”

Atton rolled his eyes. “Great. And here I was hoping we could visit at least one planet without drawing the attention of every single bad guy there.”

“You’re free to leave if you’re tired of all the attention.”

He hesitated for the briefest of moments before shaking his head. “No. No, it’s alright. I don’t have anything better to do. Besides, you’ll need someone to save you from whatever it is you’re about to get yourself into.”

She eyed him, watching the lines of his face and the shift in his stance. The Twi'leks from the refugee camp returned to her mind. She had been trying not to think about them, not until she made some progress with her mission. But that it was clearly going to be a long time before that happened.

Desi had known for a while that Atton was hiding something from her. However, he had been nothing but supportive of her. Until now, she had no reason to doubt him.

“Take five, guys. I need to think about our next move.”

The men wandered over to a nearby street vendor while Desi turned back to the view. Why did he insist on following her around? Did it have to do with this secret identity the Twi’leks mentioned? Was it wise to keep him on board?

Her grip on the rail tightened as a terrifying thought flickered across her mind. Was he some kind of Sith spy? Was that how the enemy kept finding her? It would explain so much. His combat training, his distaste for Jedi, his need to shield his thoughts, how conveniently they had crossed paths…

She swallowed. No, it could not be true. There had already been a thousand chances for him to kill her, yet they both still lived. But maybe that was not his mission. Maybe he had been sent to keep her alive for some nefarious Sith purpose. His job was not to kill her, but to lead her into a trap.

Or maybe he was a bounty hunter, looking to collect the money on her head? That would explain why he felt at home on Nar Shaddaa, and why he kept pushing her to come here. The bounty was for live Jedi, but most of the bounty hunters they met declared that Jedi were too difficult to capture. This was a brilliant alternative: instead of trying to subdue and transport Desi without killing her, Atton would convince her to simply walk right up to whoever posted the bounty.

Desi shook her head. No, enough of that. Conspiracy theories would not get her anywhere. The only solution was to talk to Atton. Maybe those Twi'leks mistook him for someone else. Or maybe they were trying to scam her. Yeah, this could all be just a misunderstanding.

She looked out at the soaring traffic and the flickering city lights. It had been a long day. She needed to sleep on this, and make a plan for tomorrow. She had to deal with Atton, find Zez-Kai Ell, help the refugees, find a better spot to dock the ship…

It occurred to her that it was unwise to leave the _Ebon Hawk_ alone for long.

Desi turned around. The guys were slouched against a wall and munching on the snacks they had just bought. She ran over and skidded to a stop in front of them. “What time is it?”

***

First Atris’s bitch squad, then Visas Marr, now these guys. It seemed like every time Desi left the ship, someone else waltzed in and made themselves at home.

She brushed her hair out of her face and looked down the hall at the mess of bodies. “Great. Now we get to clean up.”

“Don’t worry,” Atton said as he nudged a pile of dead slavers with his boot. “Nar Shaddaa is full of people that take care of this stuff. It’s expensive, but quick and clean.”

And how did Atton know that? “Good idea. Know anyone in particular?”

“No, but we can just ask around. There’s a lot of crime on this moon, and a lot of people looking to make a buck off of it.”

“Alright. I’ll let you take care of that.” She turned to Bao-Dur. “Bao, contact the rest of the crew. I’d like to know where they were when our ship was invaded.” She looked down at the utility droid. “T3, you and I are going to check the security footage. We need to find out when this happened and if they did anything to our ship.”

The team split up to see about their duties. Desi stood at the security console with T3-M4, her expression dark.

During the fight, she could not stop herself from looking over her shoulder to see if Atton was about to shoot her in the back. Desi never had this problem before they came to Nar Shaddaa. Sure, Atton was kind of sleazy and had a bad ogling habit, but she never doubted his loyalty. She would have to take care of this soon, or it was going to drive her insane.

***

Bao-Dur rounded up the team so Desi could yell at them and find out where they went. The Disciple said he left the ship to purchase medical supplies. Visas and the Handmaiden went exploring. Kreia dodged the question with a cryptic response.  Nobody thought to lock the door behind them.

After they cleaned up the mess and worked out a plan to guard the ship, the team went their separate ways. Even though Desi kept calling them a team, they did not act like one. Everyone seemed to like Desi, but they did not get along with each other. It would take some work to build a sense of camaraderie. Another thing for the to-do list. It was getting pretty long.

Desi mulled over her list as she kicked back in the main hold. She had showered and changed out of her armor, but she kept her weapons on her hip. The entire galaxy felt welcome to board her ship; she was going to have to start sleeping in her holster.

As she turned her plans over in her mind, another item from the to-do list walked by. Desi looked up. “Going out, Atton?”

“Yeah, I need to unwind. I’m going to grab a drink.”  

“Alright. Have fun.” She wondered if she should sneak out and follow him, but instead, he surprised her.

“Do you want to go with me?”

“What?” She sat up.

“You’ve been pretty tense since… well, since we met, actually.”

“The two are probably connected.”

“Really? I assumed it was the lightsaber stuck up your ass.”

“I assumed it was the stranger ogling my chest.”

“Well, I may still ogle your chest, but I’m not a stranger anymore. So, do you want to go with me? Play some cards, have some drinks, work that lightsaber out of your--”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it, flyboy.” Was this a trap? Only one way to find out. “Let’s go.” She jumped over the back of the sofa and followed him down the ramp.

They were silent as they walked the streets of Nar Shaddaa. Desi realized that even though she and Atton had been together from the start of this misadventure, they had not been alone since Peragus. Once they left the asteroid, there had always been Kreia or Bao-Dur or someone else present. Now that they were alone again, Desi did not know what to talk about.

Her mind was buzzing. She desperately wanted to ask him about his past, and about those Twi'leks that claimed to know him. But she could not just bring it up out of the blue; she had no make conversation first. But how? What was there for her and Atton to talk about? Their mission? The weather? This would be so much easier if he really was leading her into a trap.

Desi was tempted to read his thoughts again, even though she knew it would not get her anywhere. With his mental barriers, the only option would be to do an intense mental probe. She doubted her powers were strong enough for that. Or that Atton would sit still for it. Besides, she had promised Atton she would not invade his mind anymore. If he really did mean her harm, then she could justify breaking that promise. But if he was innocent, then she might never be able to fix the damage to their relationship.

“Uh… but… I, uh, oh look, here’s the one with your credits! About time--look, these gentlemen are getting impatient.”

Desi’s head snapped around. A defenseless human was sprawled on the ground at the feet of two alien thugs. They had clearly been roughing the guy up. It took Desi a moment to realize that the human was talking to her. The two aliens turned to look at her. One of them asked, “You have the rest that this one owes?”

The other, a Trandoshan, added, “Give all owed, now!”

Damn it, she had bigger problems right now. She sighed, but stepped forward anyway, hand on her blaster. Her lightsaber was hidden beneath her shirt; she wouldn’t need it for these guys. “You two better back off before you’re kissing duracrete.”

The Trandoshan scratched his head. “Eh? Why kiss stone ground?”

The other alien smacked him upside the head. “This human is threatening us, suggesting the violence he inflicts upon us will be akin to a mating ritual with an unresponsive stone.” That… wasn’t quite right, and he had mistaken Desi for a guy, but at least they got the point.

“Kill the human,” the Trandoshan said. “Then kill the other human.” That only accounted for two of the three humans, but these guys did not seem that bright to begin with.

The human victim covered his head as everyone with a blaster drew their weapons. Moments later, the aliens were mating with an unresponsive stone, so to speak.

The guy scrambled to his feet. “Are you crazy? That was Exchange muscle--when they hear about this, they’ll come back a dozen strong and tear you limb from limb!”

Desi gaped at him. “Aren’t you going to thank us?”

“Thank you? They’ll be after me worse than ever!”

Desi huffed in exasperation and holstered her blaster. “Maybe you should have thought of that before you dragged a pair of strangers into your problem.”

The guy ignored Desi’s remark and continued, “I’m laying low for a while. Maybe they’ll forget about me.”

Atton watched the man retreat and muttered, “Guess the Jedi code is still alive and well.”

“What do you mean?” Desi asked.

“I mean you really need to stop doing that.”

“What, starting fights in the middle of the street?” She had developed a lot of weird habits lately.

“No, helping every hapless moron we run into. Especially the ones too stupid to be grateful afterwards.”

“Atton, I-- _we_ have to help. We can’t just stand by if we’re capable of doing something.”

Atton shook his head. “Desi, there’s a lot of people who need help in the galaxy. If we stop to help each one, the Sith will be on us faster than anything. Let’s just accomplish our mission first, then worry about everyone else.” But even in the darkness, Desi could see the outline of the smile he was trying to hide.

They walked the rest of the way to the cantina in silence. But they walked closer to each other now, Desi’s arm almost brushing against his jacket. Her heart fluttered at each near-contact, and she fought to suppress a smile. Whatever dark secret he was hiding, she found it hard to believe that he meant her any harm. As much as she hated to admit it, she wanted to trust him.

“So, drinks first or pazaak?”

Atton snapped Desi out of her reverie. They had reached the entertainment promenade without her even noticing. “Uh, pazaak. I’ve been waiting for that chance to beat you.”

“You’ll be waiting for a while, sister.”

They discovered that the pazaak den had a bouncer out front, a surly alien standing in front of the door with his arms crossed. “Password.”

“Password?” Desi asked.

“Password.”

Desi tried waving her hand in what she thought was a Jedi-like gesture. “We do not need a password.”

“Everyone needs to know the password if they want to get in.”

Atton chimed in, “Do you know the password?”

“Of course I do.”

“Then what is it?” Desi asked.

“I’m not laughing,” the bouncer said.

“Neither are we,” Atton said.

“Then you can stand out here, not laughing.”

They just paid the tiny bat-thing around the corner for the password. As they walked in, Desi whispered, “Didn’t the bouncer find it weird that we came back less than five minutes later and suddenly knew it?”

“He must have liked our comedy routine." Atton shrugged. "I kind of expected him to keep us locked out just to spite us.”

Atton grabbed a drink first. Desi declined; she had a hard time with card games even when she was sober. No need to complicate things. They sat at the bar and surveyed the room. Desi quickly noticed something. “Only one human, besides us,” she murmured.

“Mm-hmm. That must be why there was a password.” He winked at her. “Let’s show them how good we humans are at pazaak.”

As they circled the room, Desi was pleased to discover that under Atton’s tutelage, she had improved immensely. However, she still struggled against the veteran players and the cheaters.

One of the veterans was an attractive but angry Twi’lek woman. “What do you want?” she snapped when they approached.

Desi opened her mouth to respond, but Atton interrupted. “I think you should let me… handle… this one,” he said, and slid into the chair across from the woman.

He beat the woman soundly, and she seemed to get off on it. “That was… magnificent,” she cooed, twirling one of her lekku. “Thank you for such a stimulating game.”

Atton stood and winked at her, gathering up his winnings. Desi just rolled her eyes.

Desi could not help admiring Atton’s ease. He fell into his rhythm like an old pro. No close calls or large bets or angry opponents unsettled him. His movements were fluid and practiced, with neither hesitation nor uncertainty. Here in this dingy pazaak den on a lawless moon, he was in his element.

After they finished pissing off all the other players in the room, Atton suggested they leave before they get driven out by an angry mob. Desi smiled and followed him out the door. She was having fun, despite all the suspicions biting at the back of her mind. She gave the bouncer a friendly wave on the way out. He did not respond.

They took their winnings to the cantina around the corner. Like the pazaak den, almost all of the patrons were aliens. At least the bartender was human. Atton grabbed them each a drink while Desi scoped out a place to sit. No dancing girls here; it was not that kind of establishment. The lights were kept low to give the patrons a private setting for their shady dealings. Most of the illumination came from either the windows or the neon lowlights circling the room. A maze of room dividers protected against prying eyes. Everything was sleek and seedy with a faint red glow. The ideal criminal hideout.

Desi found what she thought was a good table and sat down. A male Twi'lek was immediately on top of her. “Greetings, young lady! Are you looking for employment by any chance?”

“Uh, no, actually, I’m not. Thank you anyway.”

He invited himself to sit down next to her. “I represent Vogga the Hutt, one of the most powerful crime bosses here on Nar Shaddaa. One of his dancers was recently made unemployed, and I’m looking for a replacement.”

“Uh, sorry, I’m not a dancer.” Desi tried to lean around him and see where Atton was.

“Oh, don’t worry, it doesn’t have to be a permanent position if you don’t want it to be. If you can just dance once, to tide Vogga over until I can hire a replacement, that would suffice. Vogga has been in a foul mood since this feud Goto began, and finding him some entertainment would make my job a lot more pleasant.”

“Look, I’m sorry, but I don’t know how to dance. At all.”

“The pay would be generous, of course--”

“I’ll dance for your Hutt! Do I get a special outfit, or do I have to provide my own?”

Desi and the Twi'lek both looked up at the sound of Atton’s voice. He stood over them with two drinks and a dark expression. “Hey, pal, she already said she’s not dancing for any slugs. Now beat it.”

Desi could not help but grin as the Twi'lek cowered and threw his hands up in surrender. “Ah, my apologies, sir. I’ll just be on my way.” He quickly discovered that Atton was standing too close and leaning too far over him. The alien had to slink out of his chair and duck under Atton’s arms in order to get away. Atton watched the guy leave before claiming his seat.

“Thanks for the help.”

“I can’t leave you alone for a minute without you attracting trouble.” He set their drinks down.

“At least I have my hero to rescue me.”

“I can’t help it; I’m the heroic type.”

Desi sipped her drink and winced. He ordered the strong stuff. She had never been good at holding her liquor. Her gaze slid to him as she took another slow sip. Maybe the alcohol would loosen him up, and she could get some answers.

He beat her to it. “So, what did you do for all those years?”

“All what years?”

“After the Mandalorian Wars, when you went into exile. That’s a lot of time to kill. What did you do?”

“Oh, that.” She traced circles in the condensation on her glass. “All the stuff I never got to do as a Jedi. I travelled. I kept journals about the things I saw. I read a lot, too, studied engineering and medicine and such. At the Enclave, everything you learn is related to the Jedi somehow. I mean, sure, they teach you basic reading and math and whatnot, but beyond that, everything is about lightsaber forms and connecting to the Force.”

“The Jedi start training as kids, right? Was it hard, being taken from your family that young?”

“Yeah, it was. But we kept in touch, and I got over it.” Her turn. “What about you? Where were you born?”

“Alderaan. I was never that attached to it, though. I prefer to move around.” Atton finished his drink and signaled for another. “Where did you live before the Jedi took you?”

He was changing the subject. Desi decided to play along. “Onderon, but I barely remember it. I consider Dantooine my home more than anywhere else.”

“It must have been hard for you to see it like that.”

She nodded and swallowed. “Yeah. Yeah, it was. But they’ll rebuild. Dantooine might never be the same as it was before the war, but it’ll survive.”

“Did you ever go back to Onderon?”

“Not until we fought the Mandalorians there. That was why I left the Jedi and joined the war; I heard that Onderon had been captured, and I felt like it was my duty to free it. But I was only there for a little bit before we moved on to the next battle. I want to go there next after we finish up on this moon; I’m curious to see what it looks like.”

A second round of drinks arrived. “Wait, I’m not done with mine--” Desi objected.

“Well then, pick up the pace.” Atton handed Desi her new drink and held up his glass. “On the count of three, drink the whole thing. Or at least as much as you can without drowning.”

“Wait, I--”

“One, two, three!”

Desi managed to get half down before she started coughing. Atton laughed and patted her back. “You okay there, champ?”

She cleared her throat and blinked away the tears. “Yeah. Ahem. Yeah, I’m still alive.” She noticed that Atton’s glass was empty. She also noticed that his arm was draped across the back of her chair. She also noticed the way the shadows and red lights carved out his features, and the way his hair fell across his face, and the way his eyes lit up when he flashed that cocky half-smile at her.

Desi looked into her glass and then pushed it away. She needed to slow down.

Atton laughed. “Oh come on, you can’t give up yet.” He poured the remains of her first drink into her second. “Give it another shot, no pun intended. I’m here for moral support.”

Was this the plan? Get her drunk and then drop her off at the Sith Lord’s doorstep? Or turn her over for the bounty? Or maybe he had resumed his efforts to seduce her? Again, only one way to find out. Desi closed her eyes and called upon the Force to steel her nerves. This time, she finished the whole glass before the coughing started up again. “Congratulations!” Atton said, rubbing her back. “You finally managed to drink a drink. You’re a big girl now.”

There. That was out of the way. Now to regain control of the situation. “Why’d you leave Alderaan?”

Atton shrugged. “See the galaxy. Find adventure. And some better booze.” He signaled the bartender again. Just how much could this guy drink? “So, you never answered my question on Peragus.”

“What question?”

“Did you ever break the rules at the academy?”

This was a weird turn. “What do you mean?”

“You know… the most famous Jedi rule. The one about love.”

Oh. Desi flushed and looked away. “No.”

Atton chuckled. “Oh, come on, I bet you were the star of your class.”

“No, I wasn’t.”

“I can see it now: all those little Jedi boys, following you around Dantooine like a bunch of puppies…”

“That’s not how it went.”

“So you denied them your love? You followed the rules like a good little Jedi?” Some fresh drinks arrived. Desi’s head was starting to feel fuzzy, but Atton seemed just fine. The man was a damned sponge.

“I didn’t really get along with my classmates. I mostly kept to myself.”

“If you say so.” He nursed his drink. “So, there was never anyone…?”

“Are you implying something, Atton?”

“No, just trying to get to know you better. Making conversation.” He watched her through the corner of his eye. “But if you don’t answer the question, I’m just going to assume the worst.”

Desi pouted and slumped down in her chair, weighing whether or not to answer. Atton’s arm was still resting on her chair, cushioning the back of her shoulders. “There was one guy I kind of had a thing for. I looked up to him a lot. Everyone did. He was smart and charismatic, and he always seemed to know what he was doing, no matter what. I’m sure I wasn’t the only girl with a crush on him.” She ran her finger around the rim of her glass absentmindedly. “I think he knew I liked him. In retrospect, I was pretty obvious about it. And he… he used that to manipulate me. He knew that I would trust his judgement no matter what, and he took advantage of that. And it led to nothing but trouble. I shouldn’t have idolized him so much, but there’s nothing I can do about it now.” She looked at Atton. Was his face closer now? It must have been her imagination. “What about you?”

He watched her quietly for a moment before he answered. “There was a war. I fell in love. She died. The end.”

“Do you ever think about her?”

“I try not to.” Desi felt Atton’s fingers trail along her shoulder. “But I do. A lot.”

The music changed to something slow and smooth. He looked up, then back at her. “You want to dance?”

“What?”

“Dance, it’s when you move in time with the music. It’s supposed to be fun.”

“I know what dancing is, smartass.”

“Do you need me to go over what music is?”

“You’re not nearly as funny as you think you are.”

“I know you won’t dance for any slugs, but will you dance for me?”

“Atton, nobody else in here is dancing.”

“We’ll start a new trend.”

“Are you drunk?”

“Nope, but you’re clearly on the way there. And after only two shots. I guess drinking wasn’t part of the Jedi lesson plan?”

Desi flushed. The man was infuriating. As if on cue, he jumped out of his seat and gave her a mock bow, extending his hand for her to take. There was that half-smile again. Desi’s eyes flicked from his face to his hand and back again. Finally, she sighed and placed her hand in his. He pulled her up and guided her to the center of the room. He rested his free hand on her waist, and she awkwardly placed her hand on his shoulder, and they began to sway to the music.

Atton maintained a respectful distance between them, to Desi’s surprise. She looked into his eyes at first, but that made her increasingly uncomfortable, so she looked straight ahead. Which meant she was looking at his mouth. She looked over his shoulder instead, but saw that the other bar patrons were all staring at them. So she went back to looking into Atton’s eyes. He was obviously amused by her discomfort, and she blushed in response. He grinned, which made her blush even more.

“I take it you didn’t dance much at the Jedi Enclave, either.”

“Shut up.”

He laughed. Force, he had a nice laugh. “You really are drunk; your wit’s losing its edge.” He released her waist to spin her around. When she returned to place, he squeezed her hand. “Are you okay, or are you going to fall over?”

“I’m not too drunk to stand up, thank you very much.” Damn it, he was messing with her now. She had to gain the upper hand somehow. She counted off the time, and then as Atton took a step, she slid her foot forward to trip him.

He regained control and shot her a dark look. “You think you’re really funny, don’t you?” Desi could not help giggling a little. The giggles immediately stopped when Atton spun her outwards. As he drew her back in, he placed his hand on her lower back instead of her hip, pulling her closer than she was before. His voice was low, and his smile wolfish. “Still think this is funny?”

The song ended before Desi could think of a clever response. The cantina was silent. Desi looked around and saw a bunch of hostile, half-drunk aliens staring at the only two humans in the bar.  

The pair released each other and returned to their table, Desi sheepish and red-faced, Atton smiling and clearly pleased with himself. A pair of fresh drinks awaited them. Desi groaned at the sight. Atton chuckled as he helped her into her chair. “Don’t worry; I’ll get you some water.” He disappeared from her sight, and Desi ran a hand through her hair. Somewhere between the alcohol and the dancing, it had become tousled. Why were they dancing again? Wait--he invited her to dance after she asked about his past again. Damn it, she had completely forgotten her purpose in coming here tonight. Why did she keep letting him do that to her?

Atton returned and set her water down in front of her. Desi mumbled something in thanks and took a long drink. She had to get to the point, before she got sidetracked again. “Hey Atton, when we were down in the refugee camp today, I met these two guys who said they knew you.”

He swirled his drink in his glass. His arm was draped across the back of her chair again. Desi tried not to think about the warmth radiating from it. “Yeah? That’s a surprise. Did they say I owed them credits, too?”

No way out but forward. “They said that you’re not ‘Atton’ at all, and that showed up on Nar Shaddaa during the Jedi Civil War.”

His hand stopped moving. He stared into his drink for a moment, then knocked it back and set the glass down with a noise harsh enough to make Desi wince. He turned in his seat to face her. His smile was gone, and his eyes were hard. “I’m as Atton as Atton will ever be. And whoever your trusted informant is, he’s right. I did show up on Nar Shaddaa during the war, along with a lot of other refugees.” There was an edge in his voice Desi had not heard in a while.

She forced herself to maintain eye contact. “Is there anything you want to tell me?”

He took a deep breath and softened his voice. “No, because you’re asking about it. If I wanted to tell you anything, I would have come and told you already.” He removed his arm from her chair and signaled the bartender again. “Anything else?”

Desi’s chair felt cold without his arm there. “I… I just wanted to know. No harm meant.”

Atton rubbed his forehead. “Is this an interrogation? If so, you’re terrible at it, especially for an ex-Jedi. Or whatever you are.” He glared at her. “Why don’t you just crawl in my head and try to dig out whatever you’re looking for rather than asking about it?”

Now he was pissing her off. She twisted in her chair to face him full-on. “If you’ve got a problem, let’s settle it right now.”

He leaned forward and pointed to himself. “You know what? I helped you get off Peragus. If I hadn’t been there, you wouldn’t even have gotten off the administration level. I’m trying to help you. I don’t know why I’m bothering.”

“Why are you protecting me?”

He sighed. “I don’t know. I’m not sure I understand it half the time.”

The next round of drinks arrived. Atton immediately drank one and placed the other in front of Desi. She clenched her fist. He was trying to get her off his back by getting her drunk. She was not about to let it work. She pushed the glass away. “Atton,” she demanded, “I want to know who you were before Nar Shaddaa.”

He faced her again, eyes blazing. “You know what? Not once have I asked you about the Mandalorian Wars. Not once.” His voice grew louder, angrier than he had ever been with her so far. “I heard about Dxun. Everyone has. I heard about Serroco, and I sure as hell know about Malachor V. What makes you think you’ve got the right to interrogate me on anything? You’ve got plenty of lives to answer for--all you Jedi do.”

Looks like Desi was going to need that drink after all. She took a swig; this time, she managed to finish it without coughing. She was making progress. “We’re not talking about me, we’re talking about you.”

Atton pressed on, “How did you even live with yourself after Malachor? Is that why you went back to the Jedi Council? Hoping they’d kill you?”

“It wasn’t like that--”

“Wasn’t it? Maybe you thought they’d forgive you--sure, you might have thought they’d execute you.” He leaned in close, cornering her. Before, it was sexy; now, it was frightening. “But Jedi don’t kill, do they? At least not their prisoners. Maybe you were counting on it when you went back in chains.”

“Atton, stop it!”

“So you got off easy--you were exiled, brushed under the cargo ramp, another dirty little Jedi secret.” His voice dropped to a husky, angry whisper. Desi could smell the alcohol on his breath. “I’ll tell you: all those Jedi at Malachor? They deserved it. Every last one of them.”

Desi’s eyes grew wide. “No, they didn’t!” she cried. “Why would you even say that?”

Atton’s eyes glimmered with something Desi had never seen in them before. Something dark, and frightening, and… almost eager. “Because Jedi lie. And they manipulate. And every act of charity or kindness they do, you can drag it out squirming into the light and see it for what it is. The galaxy doesn’t need Jedi arrogance or Jedi hypocrisy anymore.”

Desi shook her head, trying to keep the panic down. “No. No, Atton, you’re wrong. The Jedi aren’t like that. We’re-- _they’re_ guardians of the peace.”

Atton scoffed. “The Jedi… the Sith… you don’t get it, do you? To the galaxy, they’re the same thing: just men and women with too much power, squabbling over religion, while the rest of us burn. At least the Sith are honest about what they’re killing for. The Jedi are pacifists, except in times of war. They’re teachers, except when it comes to telling their students the truth. And when they save you, it’s only so you can suffer more.”

Angry tears bit at the edge of Desi’s vision and constricted her throat. “Really? That’s what you think of the Jedi? That’s what you think of me?” She sat up straight. Atton did not move. He continued to lean over her, so when Desi straightened up, their noses were almost touching. She forced herself to remain calm and hold his stare. “Well, you’re wrong. That’s not the way of the Jedi. And it’s not may way.”

He shook his head and rose from the table. “Whatever. Just leave me alone. I don’t know why I’m wasting my time with you, anyway.”

Desi felt the panic start to rise again as she watched Atton walk to the bar and pay the tab. No, she could not lose him. Not now. Not this way. Not when she was so close to finding the truth. She jumped up, nearly tripping on her chair, and rushed outside to follow him.

Atton walked through the entertainment promenade, head down and hands in his pockets. Desi scurried to catch up with him. “Atton! _Atton!_ I know you can hear me!”

“I told you to leave me alone,” he called over his shoulder.

“Not until we finish this!” She slowed down a couple yards behind him, enough to give him space. “I want to know more about your past, especially if we’re travelling together.” Assuming he would want to continue travelling with her after this. And that she would want to have him on board.  

Atton came to a halt in front of a seedy alleyway. Desi stopped, maintaining the distance she had established. The only light came from the neon sign on a nearby nightclub. Atton did not turn around to face her, just stood in silence. Dread crept through Desi. It was now reasonable to assume that he was not sent by the Sith to spy on her, or a bounty hunter looking to cash her in. But she had a feeling the truth would be much worse.

When he finally spoke, the anger was gone from his voice. He sounded calm, and a little distant. “Well, don’t get too attached to me. I don’t like it.”

“Why not?”

“It’s because I’m a deserter. It’s what I do.”

Desi crept closer. “You served in the war?”

Atton finally turned around. “Served in both of them. Against the Mandalorians, before and after Revan. And again… when Revan declared war on the Jedi.”

“I didn’t know you served with the Republic.”

He nodded. “I did. Up until the Republic officers began to betray their oaths to the Republic and side with Revan. Admiral Karath, Mon Halan, General Derred, and all the rest. Right after that final battle at Malachor, I was right there with the rest of the defectors, because it was the right thing to do.”

There it was. “You were Sith?”

He shot her a glare. “That’s just a name. It’s what we did that was important. But it was more than that…” He closed the distance between them. “You were there, you knew how easy it was to hate the Jedi who sat back in the Republic, ‘evaluating’ the threat, and watched us die against the Mandalorians.”

Desi slowly shook her head. “I was mad at them, sure, but I didn’t hate them. People like you and me went to war to protect those we care about. After that, Revan and the Sith started another war out of hate. What they did was wrong.”

“No, it wasn’t. We needed the Jedi during the Mandalorian Wars, more than anything. The Mandalorians were slaughtering us by the millions. _The millions.”_ He started counting off tragedies on his hand. “You were at Serroco, when they turned the Stereb cities into glass craters. At Duro, where Basilisk war droids rained down like meteors onto the orbiting cities. And when the Mandalorians set fire to the Xoxin plains of Eres III, the fires that still burn.” He closed his fist. “Without the Jedi who turned on the Council, without you, the Republic would have lost the war, and we would all be Mandalorian slaves or corpses.”

“Instead, you all became Sith.”

The anger returned to his voice and his gaze. “If that’s what you want to call knowing when to fight and when to kill, then yes. But you can’t really break down people into Sith and Jedi and expect everything to make sense.” His voice softened. “We were loyal to Revan. That was enough. He saved us.”

The neon light flickered and buzzed. People walked by, ignoring Desi and Atton. Ships flew back and forth in the distance. It felt too peaceful for what they were talking about. “What happened then?”

“After Malachor, after the Mandalorian Wars, that’s when the Sith teachings started spreading through the ranks. We knew where our loyalties lay--to the Jedi who came to help us, not the ones who sat back on Dantooine and Coruscant. So when those same Jedi who watched us die decided to start fighting us during the Jedi Civil War, we fought back. I fought back.”

“You fought Jedi?”

Atton shrugged. “People say killing Jedi is hard. It’s not, you just have to be smart about it.” He counted off strategies on his hand, “No blasters, no getting close to them, no attacking them directly when you can gun down their allies instead. There’s ways of gassing them, drugging them, making them lose control, torturing them.” His voice darkened, became more hateful, more indulgent. “I was really good at it. What’s worse, is that killing them wasn’t the best thing--making them fall, making them see our side of it, that was the best.” The neon lights and shadows danced across his face, highlighting the circles under his eyes and the hollows of his cheeks.

Desi tried to take a step back, but she was drunk, and stumbled. She managed to catch herself. “I-I still find this a little hard to believe.”

“Yeah? Maybe you’ll believe this: that when fighting a Jedi, you wound the Padawan first, then let the rest take care of itself. Not only will the master move to protect the student, but the Force bond between the two will mess up the master’s head better than any stab wound.” He crossed his arms, pleased with himself. “Anything else? That’s only a sample of my arsenal.”

Desi’s head swam. She felt like she was going to throw up. She stared down at the duracrete between her feet, focusing on it to steady herself. “How could you kill Jedi?” she managed to say.

“I taught myself… techniques. It’s hard for Jedi to sense what you’re really thinking if you throw up walls of strong emotions and feelings. Lust, impatience, cowardice… most Jedi awareness doesn’t cruise beyond the surface feelings to see what’s deeper. And I was good at that, throwing up walls, and my superiors knew it. Sometimes the Jedi on our side wouldn’t even realize I was there.”

So it was more than just counting cards in his head. The jokes, the flirting, the devil-may-care attitude… his whole personality might just be a shield. “Is that why you act the way you do?”

Atton shrugged. “Part of it. Maybe it was always me. It’s hard to tell sometimes.” He chuckled mirthlessly. “I haven’t known who I am for years.” His tone became serious again. “I wasn’t the only one. I know you left at the Mandalorian Wars, so you don’t know much about what went on behind the scenes in the Jedi Civil War. But Revan understood one thing: the real battle was going to be fought between the Jedi on both sides. That was the only battle that mattered.”

Desi raised her head again. “What do you mean?”

“Whoever had the most, the strongest Jedi, were going to win the Civil War. If Revan couldn’t convert Jedi, he would kill them. So Revan trained elite Sith units into assassination squads, whose duty was to go out and capture enemy Jedi. I was in one of those special units trained to do this.”

“Capture Jedi? Not kill them?”

He nodded. “Yeah, Revan had plans for all Jedi. It think it was important that the Jedi see his side of things, the Sith teachings. Revan wanted to break them. And then have them join him.”

“But how did you end up in Nar Shaddaa? Did you desert the Sith, too?”

He sighed, and his gaze wandered out to the ships coming and going. “One day, I decided not to do it anymore, so I left. Ended up in Nar Shaddaa, became someone else.”

Desi was still reeling. She felt the same sense of detachment as she did at Malachor, that there was no way this was real, that it had to be some kind of bad dream. It was a survival mechanism. It was the only way she could make it through all the insane shit that kept happening to her.

She put a hand to her head, as if that would stop the world from spinning around her. “Why are you telling me this? You’re telling a Jedi you killed Jedi.”

“Because you’ve killed Jedi, too,” he snapped. “Different circumstances, but you have a bigger body count than I ever did.” He stepped closer, pinning her in place with his glare. “And I’ve been with you only a short time, enough to know that as soon as someone signs on with you, they haven’t got long to live. You got history, and anyone who travels with you doesn’t. And maybe I want somebody to know who I was in case a story needs to be set straight.” He shrugged, muttering, “Maybe you understand.”

Anger filled Desi, clearing away the drunken fog and sharpening her focus. “Don’t you dare compare us. I ended a war. You were a murderer.”

“And does that help you sleep at night?” Atton shot back.

No. “It doesn’t matter. My point is that you’re wrong. All this talk about how the Jedi are just as bad as the Sith, it’s just so you can justify all the killing you did.”

“It’s no different from when you say you ended a war.”

“It is different! A lot of people died because of what I did, but I did it to save everyone else! After Malachor, the Mandalorians were defeated, and the killing stopped.” She jabbed Atton in the chest with her finger. “Then you and Revan and the rest of the Sith picked up your weapons and started killing again! All those sacrifices, all the people lost at Malachor, it was all for nothing! That was your doing, not mine!”

Atton grabbed her hand and pulled it away from his chest. His grip was too tight, and it hurt, but Desi tried to not let it show. “You’re always going on about how people can’t control the outcome, how they can only control what they do. And all that matters is that you try to do the right thing, even if it doesn’t work out. Did you do the right thing at Malachor?”

“I--”

“Did you do the right thing when you ran away afterwards?”

“That was--”

“Did you do the right thing when you hung out in the Outer Rim for almost a decade, hiding from the mess you made?”

She tore her hand out of his grip. “I stopped the Mandalorians, I stopped the killing--”

“By killing an entire planet and everyone orbiting it. Was that the right thing? Do you pat yourself on the back every time you remember what you did?”

Desi was growing flustered. “If I hadn’t done that, the Mandalorians would have kept going until the entire Republic was wiped out! You said so yourself!”

“Instead, an entire planet was wiped out.” Atton stepped closer, invading her space. “Instead, two entire armies were wiped out.”

“We were losing the war! A choice had to be made!”

“And if you’re so sure it was the right choice, why did you run away and leave the rest of us to pick up the pieces?”

“I can’t… I couldn’t…” The angry tears were welling up again.

“Did you ever plan to come back and face the consequences? Would you have come back if you hadn’t been dragged into whatever mess we’re currently in? Or were you so proud of your decision that you didn’t think you had anything to answer for?”

 _“I was wrong!”_ Desi screamed. The people around them stopped to look, then quickly ducked their heads and moved on. Desi stood there, chest heaving as she struggled to regain control of herself. “I didn’t do the right thing. At Malachor or afterwards. And I’ve been dealing with that for the last nine years. But I can’t change it. I can’t undo it.”

“So you just pretend like it never happened.”

“I have to. It’s the only way I can get through the day.”

“Or you can just own up to it and fix the damage.” Atton sounded calmer now, almost like he was satisfied. “Like I said, at least the Sith are honest about being killers.”

Desi blinked away the tears. “You’re right,” she choked out in a whisper. “We’re not that different.” She stared at the duracrete again. It was too late at night, she was too drunk, too much had just happened. “I-I need time to think about this.”

Atton sighed and turned away. “Yeah, I get it. Take all the time you need.” He stuck his hands back in his pockets and walked away. Underneath the city noise, Desi barely heard him mutter, “Should have gone to the red sector like I planned.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> "Kreia dodged the question with a cryptic response." = Summary of the game.


End file.
